I may not be writing on this blog anymore...
From time to time if God speaks to my heart on this issues of dating/relationships, I will share, but for now...I am taking a break from this blog and focusing just on Random Blonde.
I woke up this morning with this miraculous peace about the whole dating thing. I can finally hand it over to God and say honestly I don't want it anymore...not that I don't still pray for an amazing man of God to come into the boys' and my life, but I don't want the control of it anymore...I don't want the longing, lonely thoughts, I don't want the anxieties and the fears of this desire. I don't want it to rule my entire existence. I don't want it my way...I DO want it God's way! So I am letting go.
I have two of the most amazing boys that I am thankful and blessed to be a mother of. They need a strong, confident, Christian mother who walks by faith, who stands firm in her walk with God, who shows that no matter what - we praise God in this house! So there is where I want my focus to be. God - boys -family/friends and me...taking care of yourself...I have found the hard way...is very important! So, I am able to let everything else go...my wants and desires, I lay at His feet...and I walk away in peace.
God has brought me a long way in the last six years (since I left my ex-husband) and I am so thankful for that. He has done some major gardening and uprooted the spirit of insecurity in my life....it still sprouts a little ugly plant every now and then, but...God continues to work on me. I am so thankful for His love, faithfulness, and grace. Now, I want to grow deeper in love with Him, I want to learn more about Him, I want even more of His wisdom, love, joy, strength, and peace.
This song is my prayer today:
"Lord, I give You my heart, I give You my soul. I live for You alone. Every breath that I take...every move that I make...Lord, have Your way in me."
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Frog - Prince Charming - Toad
Just got a little jumpy because a frog was waiting outside my door to greet me this morning....dear God...if I kiss it...please oh please will it turn into prince charming??!!
This was my facebook post the other day...and so I have been thinking about this whole prince charming theory....
Lately, I am thinking that the reality of this theory sounds more like this...
Say I do kiss the "frog", and then get swept of my feet thinking he is prince charming...only to get completely invested into the relationship (I am the type of person who falls way too fast and too deep for someone way too quickly) or actually marry the guy (disaster waiting to happen: Round 2) only to find out that prince charming is really just a toad!
At the top of my blog, I wrote about how dating is so scary (well waiting for me...still no dating going on, but starting to be very thankful for that...because...dating is too scary). The few "experiences" I have had been weird/scary enough. I have talked online with the following: "Super Spiritual Guy" whose every sentence was written in Christianese. I said I like to paint and he came back with....well, I really don't know what he said I don't speak his language apparently, but I felt like coming back with, "Yes, I like to paint beach scenes". I have chatted with "Desperate Need of a Hug Guy", and thankfully I found that I am not as desperate as I joke about being. I had never even talked to the guy on the phone, did not even give him my number when he asked, only chatted a few times online, and next thing I know I get this email about how he woke up with the biggest smile on his face thinking of me throughout the night (OK, class what does this word spell: P-E-R-V-E-R-T?) And I won't go into his personal details, but he ended up having a rough morning and asked me to come to his church and give him a hug!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And there were way more exclamation points than that. I showed my pastor the letter...he read it...then seriously asked, "I have one question. Did you go?" "NO!" "Good girl."
I have also heard so many other stories that are not mine to share, but lately, like I said, I am so glad right now that God has a perfect plan for me, and He is not allowing just any man/toad to come along and ruin that! But the sad thing is...I am starting to loose hope...
So...I need your thoughts/advice/prayers...and hopefully some offer of hope!
And please...please don't give me this line: "It will happen when you stop looking" because unless you have some magic fairy dust or something to throw on me to trigger my brain to stop being a man radar and going off every time a man with a heartbeat walks by....then that theory...even if it IS true...just does not compute with my personality! lol...I try to laugh it off anyways. I do know the following: I know God is my everything (at least I know that I daily strive to make Him that even though I fail endlessly). I do know my worth and who I am in God (He has brought me too far in confidence to loose that). I do know that I am an amazing woman with a lot to offer a husband. I do know that I only want Gods best, so yes, it is worth waiting on. I do know that you can end up with the wrong one and still be lonely and I don't want that, again! I do know that God's ways and TIMING are PERFECT! I do know that I am very blessed with so many wonderful friends and the most amazing/supportive family, and two lovable, fun boys that I have no reason to feel alone...
but I still do...
This was my facebook post the other day...and so I have been thinking about this whole prince charming theory....
Lately, I am thinking that the reality of this theory sounds more like this...
Say I do kiss the "frog", and then get swept of my feet thinking he is prince charming...only to get completely invested into the relationship (I am the type of person who falls way too fast and too deep for someone way too quickly) or actually marry the guy (disaster waiting to happen: Round 2) only to find out that prince charming is really just a toad!
At the top of my blog, I wrote about how dating is so scary (well waiting for me...still no dating going on, but starting to be very thankful for that...because...dating is too scary). The few "experiences" I have had been weird/scary enough. I have talked online with the following: "Super Spiritual Guy" whose every sentence was written in Christianese. I said I like to paint and he came back with....well, I really don't know what he said I don't speak his language apparently, but I felt like coming back with, "Yes, I like to paint beach scenes". I have chatted with "Desperate Need of a Hug Guy", and thankfully I found that I am not as desperate as I joke about being. I had never even talked to the guy on the phone, did not even give him my number when he asked, only chatted a few times online, and next thing I know I get this email about how he woke up with the biggest smile on his face thinking of me throughout the night (OK, class what does this word spell: P-E-R-V-E-R-T?) And I won't go into his personal details, but he ended up having a rough morning and asked me to come to his church and give him a hug!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And there were way more exclamation points than that. I showed my pastor the letter...he read it...then seriously asked, "I have one question. Did you go?" "NO!" "Good girl."
I have also heard so many other stories that are not mine to share, but lately, like I said, I am so glad right now that God has a perfect plan for me, and He is not allowing just any man/toad to come along and ruin that! But the sad thing is...I am starting to loose hope...
So...I need your thoughts/advice/prayers...and hopefully some offer of hope!
And please...please don't give me this line: "It will happen when you stop looking" because unless you have some magic fairy dust or something to throw on me to trigger my brain to stop being a man radar and going off every time a man with a heartbeat walks by....then that theory...even if it IS true...just does not compute with my personality! lol...I try to laugh it off anyways. I do know the following: I know God is my everything (at least I know that I daily strive to make Him that even though I fail endlessly). I do know my worth and who I am in God (He has brought me too far in confidence to loose that). I do know that I am an amazing woman with a lot to offer a husband. I do know that I only want Gods best, so yes, it is worth waiting on. I do know that you can end up with the wrong one and still be lonely and I don't want that, again! I do know that God's ways and TIMING are PERFECT! I do know that I am very blessed with so many wonderful friends and the most amazing/supportive family, and two lovable, fun boys that I have no reason to feel alone...
but I still do...
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
NOT Dating Diaries
OK...this blog is called Dating Diaries, but I should rename it to something along the lines of Soooo NOT Dating Diaries. LOL.
Although, I did actually get asked out the other day...so nice to know that I am not actually completely invisible or found hideously unattractive to the opposite sex after all!! LOL. No...I do very much believe (or else I am daily reminded by my awesome friends as I just wrote about on Random Blonde) that I am an amazing woman of God with a lot to offer a man...yeah, I pretty much rock (hey Guitar Hero tells me that all the time...maybe that's why I love that game) anyways, my point is: I do know my self worth, and I will not settle for less than God's best!
My friend was reminding me that if it is not what God wants then why would you want it anyways, it won't be right. Well...DUH...been there done that have the divorce papers to prove it! Why would I want to go through anything like that again?! Not only for my sake...but for my two fun, lovable, goofy, talented, smart, amazing little men in my life! I want it God's way...and I know this is going to sound crazy coming from someone who wants a man in her life more than she wants to be able to eat chocolate cheesecake for every meal and NOT gain an ounce, but I don't want to date.
I will wait on God and His best for my life....although Patrick Dempsy is already taken...I guess I can wait for next on the list...lol. J/K future husband!
I hope you know your worth as well, and don't settle for less than what God has in store for you! As I daily have to be reminded...it will be worth the wait!
Although, I did actually get asked out the other day...so nice to know that I am not actually completely invisible or found hideously unattractive to the opposite sex after all!! LOL. No...I do very much believe (or else I am daily reminded by my awesome friends as I just wrote about on Random Blonde) that I am an amazing woman of God with a lot to offer a man...yeah, I pretty much rock (hey Guitar Hero tells me that all the time...maybe that's why I love that game) anyways, my point is: I do know my self worth, and I will not settle for less than God's best!
My friend was reminding me that if it is not what God wants then why would you want it anyways, it won't be right. Well...DUH...been there done that have the divorce papers to prove it! Why would I want to go through anything like that again?! Not only for my sake...but for my two fun, lovable, goofy, talented, smart, amazing little men in my life! I want it God's way...and I know this is going to sound crazy coming from someone who wants a man in her life more than she wants to be able to eat chocolate cheesecake for every meal and NOT gain an ounce, but I don't want to date.
I will wait on God and His best for my life....although Patrick Dempsy is already taken...I guess I can wait for next on the list...lol. J/K future husband!
I hope you know your worth as well, and don't settle for less than what God has in store for you! As I daily have to be reminded...it will be worth the wait!
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Song on Replay
LIFEHOUSE LYRICS
"Broken"
The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK
The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you
This is another one of those very personal moments that I am very much debating over whether or not I will even post it. If you have ever battled with the pains of insecurity and/or loneliness…you know the emotional effects and the intensity of their power; the forceful grip that can hold onto to your life be extremely straining and dangerous.
I thought I have become victorious over the long years of dealing with head on full force battles, fights to the death, of self-loathing hatred...of feelings of complete unworthiness…but apparently they have missed me and have not had enough of reeking havoc on my life because they came back, and left their ugly mark once again on my heart this lonely weekend. They must have known I have already been dealing with so much: major decisions about jobs/moving, hurting over wanting to give more to my boys wishing I had more to offer them, and so many other things on my mind...so they planned their attack, and came at just the right moment to abruptly knock me off my feet yet again.
It was amazing though...I was in a really great mood when they did it. I was in a moment of confidence, I was feeling very sexy/beautiful and alive and full of joy and ready to live life to the extreme. I had just gotten back from the beach (I believe the beach gives you those empowering emotions from the greatest of its authoritative presence), and I got all dressed up and was ready to get goin’. But where was I to go, and the better question: with whom should I go with? Oh wait…no one, I’m all alone...
Insecurity and loneliness can be a black hole that consumes me.
In a matter of moments I went from being on top of the world to being sucked into a pit of hellish darkness.
So I took two Benadryll, and escaped to the darkness in my lonely bed...surround by tear-filled tissues, and listening to the above song on my ipod...I let it all go.
"Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." Psalm 29:5
This morning I am reminded, I am not alone...I have a Savior and friend called Jesus.
And He has put the joy back in my life, yet again...He has filled me with peace and comfort, yet again...He has restored my confidence, yet again...He has put the fight back in my punch, yet again. That's right...I am a fighter and God's got my back! And together we are victorious! My BBFF (we added the extra B because of the whole blonde/brunette rivalry thing we have goin' so she is my brunette best friend forever) anyways, my BBFF reminded me of this the other day, she knows I love competition and love to win; with God on my side we win every time and always against the devil and his schemes he uses to try to trip us off our feet. Well, sorry little guy...not this time...not ever...I WIN!!! YOU LOSE!
I also want to personally thank my amazing friend Tammy who always supports me and I really needed those words of encouragement this morning and your clear head with great advice. Thank you. I am so blessed with such great friends in my life...not only am I never alone because God is always with me, but also He has placed these people in my life that always make me smile, we share great laughs, and always encourage me, they are there ready to wipe my tears whenever I need them, and they never leave me in the pit! Thank you.
I was just very much feeling confused about life and my purpose lately...focusing on the negative and the lack of things that I want not being fulfilled in my life (as you know if you have been reading my blogs lately). I am a person who very much needs change (which is why I rearrange a lot) and things going fast paced, and of course I very much need people. So I have been getting down about how nothing has changed in my life these last 7 years, concerning job/career/getting a date for crying out loud/house/ect. But I have forgotten that the most amazing changes are what is happening inside of me...and I do have a purpose! God has and will continue to use me! I am thankful to the Lord who lifts me up in my darkest hour.
God is daily forming me into His likeness, and I am handing over the clay. You do it God...and do it Your way! And thank you Lord for picking me back up from my fall last night. Thank you for your abundant grace. Thank you for redirecting my focus back to you, Lord. You are my everything, Jesus, and I worship you. I praise Your holy name, Jesus!
And Lord I pray with all my heart, I plead with you, Lord...for those who read this and can relate, for those who bear the scars of the fight against insecurity, for those who weep at Your feet in desperate moments, for those who lay alone in their bed begging to be loved, for those who hurt from broken love, for all Your children Lord...BE WITH THEM RIGHT NOW! Allow them to KNOW YOU ARE THERE...comfort them, raise them up and build them up in their most holy faith! If it is answers they are seeking- remind them that YOU ARE THE ANSWER! YOU ARE ALL WE NEED, LORD! Then, all else falls into place. For those feeling unloved- YOU LOVE THEM! For those hurting- YOU ARE THE HEALER! Be with Your children who are crying out in their moment of deep despair. Use me Lord, to reach out to others, to always uplift and encourage Your children, to always, no matter what I am going through, to always point others in Your direction by my words and actions, Lord. In Jesus name.
I have been reading throug the book of Psalm lately...I love these crys from the heart; even David, a great man of God, had moments of crying out in desperation. I encourage you to read Psalm 18. Know that God is there and He will wipe your tears, fill you with strength, peace, and joy. You are His child and He created you with a purpose. Live for Him and give Him your all!
"Broken"
The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK
The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you
This is another one of those very personal moments that I am very much debating over whether or not I will even post it. If you have ever battled with the pains of insecurity and/or loneliness…you know the emotional effects and the intensity of their power; the forceful grip that can hold onto to your life be extremely straining and dangerous.
I thought I have become victorious over the long years of dealing with head on full force battles, fights to the death, of self-loathing hatred...of feelings of complete unworthiness…but apparently they have missed me and have not had enough of reeking havoc on my life because they came back, and left their ugly mark once again on my heart this lonely weekend. They must have known I have already been dealing with so much: major decisions about jobs/moving, hurting over wanting to give more to my boys wishing I had more to offer them, and so many other things on my mind...so they planned their attack, and came at just the right moment to abruptly knock me off my feet yet again.
It was amazing though...I was in a really great mood when they did it. I was in a moment of confidence, I was feeling very sexy/beautiful and alive and full of joy and ready to live life to the extreme. I had just gotten back from the beach (I believe the beach gives you those empowering emotions from the greatest of its authoritative presence), and I got all dressed up and was ready to get goin’. But where was I to go, and the better question: with whom should I go with? Oh wait…no one, I’m all alone...
Insecurity and loneliness can be a black hole that consumes me.
In a matter of moments I went from being on top of the world to being sucked into a pit of hellish darkness.
So I took two Benadryll, and escaped to the darkness in my lonely bed...surround by tear-filled tissues, and listening to the above song on my ipod...I let it all go.
"Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." Psalm 29:5
This morning I am reminded, I am not alone...I have a Savior and friend called Jesus.
And He has put the joy back in my life, yet again...He has filled me with peace and comfort, yet again...He has restored my confidence, yet again...He has put the fight back in my punch, yet again. That's right...I am a fighter and God's got my back! And together we are victorious! My BBFF (we added the extra B because of the whole blonde/brunette rivalry thing we have goin' so she is my brunette best friend forever) anyways, my BBFF reminded me of this the other day, she knows I love competition and love to win; with God on my side we win every time and always against the devil and his schemes he uses to try to trip us off our feet. Well, sorry little guy...not this time...not ever...I WIN!!! YOU LOSE!
I also want to personally thank my amazing friend Tammy who always supports me and I really needed those words of encouragement this morning and your clear head with great advice. Thank you. I am so blessed with such great friends in my life...not only am I never alone because God is always with me, but also He has placed these people in my life that always make me smile, we share great laughs, and always encourage me, they are there ready to wipe my tears whenever I need them, and they never leave me in the pit! Thank you.
I was just very much feeling confused about life and my purpose lately...focusing on the negative and the lack of things that I want not being fulfilled in my life (as you know if you have been reading my blogs lately). I am a person who very much needs change (which is why I rearrange a lot) and things going fast paced, and of course I very much need people. So I have been getting down about how nothing has changed in my life these last 7 years, concerning job/career/getting a date for crying out loud/house/ect. But I have forgotten that the most amazing changes are what is happening inside of me...and I do have a purpose! God has and will continue to use me! I am thankful to the Lord who lifts me up in my darkest hour.
God is daily forming me into His likeness, and I am handing over the clay. You do it God...and do it Your way! And thank you Lord for picking me back up from my fall last night. Thank you for your abundant grace. Thank you for redirecting my focus back to you, Lord. You are my everything, Jesus, and I worship you. I praise Your holy name, Jesus!
And Lord I pray with all my heart, I plead with you, Lord...for those who read this and can relate, for those who bear the scars of the fight against insecurity, for those who weep at Your feet in desperate moments, for those who lay alone in their bed begging to be loved, for those who hurt from broken love, for all Your children Lord...BE WITH THEM RIGHT NOW! Allow them to KNOW YOU ARE THERE...comfort them, raise them up and build them up in their most holy faith! If it is answers they are seeking- remind them that YOU ARE THE ANSWER! YOU ARE ALL WE NEED, LORD! Then, all else falls into place. For those feeling unloved- YOU LOVE THEM! For those hurting- YOU ARE THE HEALER! Be with Your children who are crying out in their moment of deep despair. Use me Lord, to reach out to others, to always uplift and encourage Your children, to always, no matter what I am going through, to always point others in Your direction by my words and actions, Lord. In Jesus name.
I have been reading throug the book of Psalm lately...I love these crys from the heart; even David, a great man of God, had moments of crying out in desperation. I encourage you to read Psalm 18. Know that God is there and He will wipe your tears, fill you with strength, peace, and joy. You are His child and He created you with a purpose. Live for Him and give Him your all!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Advice Number 1: Never peel potatoes in a bad mood.
I was doing that awhile back and fortunately the story does not have a tragic bloody ending…but it could have…so never peal potatoes in a bad mood.
This made me think about words said in the heat of the moment. Or about taking risk to say things to someone you care about.
This is one post that I really hope to get a lot of feedback from.
I guess I should start this out as to what happened to me yesterday to put me in a bad mood, and make me react in the heat of the moment. Hmmmm…..where do I start? Well…I was having a One Tree Hill marathon (and I am way behind. I am only on season four. So if these things I am about to share are not true right now DO NOT TELL ME!!!) Peyton and Lucas have been friends and/or a couple since the beginning of season one when it shows his crush/obsession/lust whatever for her. Like any good drama…this couple (whether as friends or lovers) has its shares of ups and downs. But at the point I am watching it, they have just been close friends for awhile now, but she has fallen in love with him; someone tells her to take a risk and tell him how you feel. It worked out for them…but hey…that’s just Hollywood
Question Number 1: Do you think that is good advice? Take a risk and lay it on the line.
Now…I have been home watching this marathon of drama and need to get out of the house because I am not in the best of moods.
Advice Number 2: Never have a drama marathon when you already have a lot on your mind and you are already in a not so good mood.
So I go to Barns and Noble, and I am trying to cheer myself up by working on my blog, and looking for agents to send my book off to, and just focus on my dreams as a writer not on my desires to have a man hold me in his arms all night in my lonely apartment. So…out of no where comes this good looking man and says I can come sit with him and share his outlet to plug up my laptop if I need to.
Advice Number 3: For the single ladies….ALWAYS CHECK FOR THE RING FIRST!!! Because apparently men seem to forget it sometimes…
So we start chatting….(now if you are that guy, since I did tell you about my blog, and if you do read this…first of all…hey you made the cut you should be honored to get into my blog…LOL….second of all this is just all in good fun really I know that you/most men are not really like that….third of all, one of my guy friends did try to stick up for you, but then still said I should add this to my blog. So, sorry, this is just my journal from my point of view). Anyways, we were chatting and I was cheering up….let’s just put it that way…but of course somewhere in the mist of our conversation it came out that he had a wife and kids.
Ok, have you ever been driving somewhere and you were late to something, and you hit every red light in town, and get behind someone that could be driving Mrs. Daisy?? And you are like, I sooooo don’t need this right now. That was like my day yesterday.
Yeah…So, I finally was aware of the ring and thought. SERIOUSLY….LIFE IS SOOOOO NOT FUNNY! REALLY DID NOT NEED THIS TODAY! THIS SUCKS!
Advice Number 4: Always learn to laugh off moments like this!
So, I move on to vent to one of my good friends, and in this email while I am venting I say a lot of things I should not have said that could have messed things up for what special thing we had….I am happy to say we have a great friendship and it did not…but it was a little rough for a short time as he had to deal with my pathetic woman drama.
Question Number 2: Is saying things in the heat of the moment a good thing or a bad thing?
What if it took that heated moment to bring out the truth (even if it didn’t come out in the right way) to get things out in the open….then isn’t it a good thing?
What if it tears apart something beautiful that you had with someone and you or both of you end up crushed?
We do this a lot in relationships….say things in the mist of a mess. Most the time we go back and say, “I didn’t mean it”.
Question Number 3: But if it is on our mind or in our heart…isn’t it better to get it out?
Question Number 4: Even if the response devastates you…even if it makes you feel unlovable? Should you risk you heart and share how you really feel?
Question Number 5: Is living in a dream world unhealthy?
I know the answer to that one…yes it very much can be dangerous to walk around with your head in the clouds…because when the enormous 747 of truth plows right through you…IT HURTS. I am a dreamer. I have always thought my over-active/hopeful/dreamy mind was a good thing…today I am not so sure…let’s focus on an easier example of why this is not good, an example not having to do with love (even though that is what this blog is about). I want to be a writer…that is a big dream. Do I need to get my head out of fairy tale world and bring in back down to reality and focus on finding a way to feed my two kids not my fantasies?
Question Number 5: Do we give up on our dreams or strive for them?
What if our dream is finding someone who makes me laugh and loves me and will fly me to Italy someday soon? LOL….see….my head is always in the clouds. I guess because the reality is…I have spent most my life feeling unlovable. And for some reason the ugly root of insecurity has paraded itself right back into my brain this weekend.
Thankfully my God is a good gardener and is digging up that root (again...thought I was done with that battle...just thankful I know a God bigger than the battle that puts the fight back in me just when I need it). I am just glad He does not get weary of weeding….
Advice Number 4: If you are battling insecurity…hand over the spade to God and let him dig it out NOW! It is a terrible thing that can tear apart a life that has a purpose….God created you wonderful and He has a plan for you!
I drove home from a friend’s house last night with my answers to these questions.
1. Yes! Take risk…that is living life! But…no matter what the outcome you have to stand on this truth: YOU ARE A STRONG CONFIDENT CHILD OF GOD!
Second of all: I believe in a relationship you must always be open and honest with the one you love…if they love you back it will always work out.
Lastly, never stop dreaming, but just do it with your feet firmly planted on the solid rock of Christ and seek after His will first.
Relationships (whether friends/dating/marriage) can be messy, but they can also be truly amazing. Enjoy each moment.
A quote from One Tree Hills that stuck with me during that marathon was this:
“Happiness comes in many forms. In the company of good friends. In the feeling you get from making someone’s dreams come true. Or when the promise of hope renewed.”
Be joyful and hopeful. God is good and He has it all under control!
YOUR TURN…PLEASE SHARE!
I was doing that awhile back and fortunately the story does not have a tragic bloody ending…but it could have…so never peal potatoes in a bad mood.
This made me think about words said in the heat of the moment. Or about taking risk to say things to someone you care about.
This is one post that I really hope to get a lot of feedback from.
I guess I should start this out as to what happened to me yesterday to put me in a bad mood, and make me react in the heat of the moment. Hmmmm…..where do I start? Well…I was having a One Tree Hill marathon (and I am way behind. I am only on season four. So if these things I am about to share are not true right now DO NOT TELL ME!!!) Peyton and Lucas have been friends and/or a couple since the beginning of season one when it shows his crush/obsession/lust whatever for her. Like any good drama…this couple (whether as friends or lovers) has its shares of ups and downs. But at the point I am watching it, they have just been close friends for awhile now, but she has fallen in love with him; someone tells her to take a risk and tell him how you feel. It worked out for them…but hey…that’s just Hollywood
Question Number 1: Do you think that is good advice? Take a risk and lay it on the line.
Now…I have been home watching this marathon of drama and need to get out of the house because I am not in the best of moods.
Advice Number 2: Never have a drama marathon when you already have a lot on your mind and you are already in a not so good mood.
So I go to Barns and Noble, and I am trying to cheer myself up by working on my blog, and looking for agents to send my book off to, and just focus on my dreams as a writer not on my desires to have a man hold me in his arms all night in my lonely apartment. So…out of no where comes this good looking man and says I can come sit with him and share his outlet to plug up my laptop if I need to.
Advice Number 3: For the single ladies….ALWAYS CHECK FOR THE RING FIRST!!! Because apparently men seem to forget it sometimes…
So we start chatting….(now if you are that guy, since I did tell you about my blog, and if you do read this…first of all…hey you made the cut you should be honored to get into my blog…LOL….second of all this is just all in good fun really I know that you/most men are not really like that….third of all, one of my guy friends did try to stick up for you, but then still said I should add this to my blog. So, sorry, this is just my journal from my point of view). Anyways, we were chatting and I was cheering up….let’s just put it that way…but of course somewhere in the mist of our conversation it came out that he had a wife and kids.
Ok, have you ever been driving somewhere and you were late to something, and you hit every red light in town, and get behind someone that could be driving Mrs. Daisy?? And you are like, I sooooo don’t need this right now. That was like my day yesterday.
Yeah…So, I finally was aware of the ring and thought. SERIOUSLY….LIFE IS SOOOOO NOT FUNNY! REALLY DID NOT NEED THIS TODAY! THIS SUCKS!
Advice Number 4: Always learn to laugh off moments like this!
So, I move on to vent to one of my good friends, and in this email while I am venting I say a lot of things I should not have said that could have messed things up for what special thing we had….I am happy to say we have a great friendship and it did not…but it was a little rough for a short time as he had to deal with my pathetic woman drama.
Question Number 2: Is saying things in the heat of the moment a good thing or a bad thing?
What if it took that heated moment to bring out the truth (even if it didn’t come out in the right way) to get things out in the open….then isn’t it a good thing?
What if it tears apart something beautiful that you had with someone and you or both of you end up crushed?
We do this a lot in relationships….say things in the mist of a mess. Most the time we go back and say, “I didn’t mean it”.
Question Number 3: But if it is on our mind or in our heart…isn’t it better to get it out?
Question Number 4: Even if the response devastates you…even if it makes you feel unlovable? Should you risk you heart and share how you really feel?
Question Number 5: Is living in a dream world unhealthy?
I know the answer to that one…yes it very much can be dangerous to walk around with your head in the clouds…because when the enormous 747 of truth plows right through you…IT HURTS. I am a dreamer. I have always thought my over-active/hopeful/dreamy mind was a good thing…today I am not so sure…let’s focus on an easier example of why this is not good, an example not having to do with love (even though that is what this blog is about). I want to be a writer…that is a big dream. Do I need to get my head out of fairy tale world and bring in back down to reality and focus on finding a way to feed my two kids not my fantasies?
Question Number 5: Do we give up on our dreams or strive for them?
What if our dream is finding someone who makes me laugh and loves me and will fly me to Italy someday soon? LOL….see….my head is always in the clouds. I guess because the reality is…I have spent most my life feeling unlovable. And for some reason the ugly root of insecurity has paraded itself right back into my brain this weekend.
Thankfully my God is a good gardener and is digging up that root (again...thought I was done with that battle...just thankful I know a God bigger than the battle that puts the fight back in me just when I need it). I am just glad He does not get weary of weeding….
Advice Number 4: If you are battling insecurity…hand over the spade to God and let him dig it out NOW! It is a terrible thing that can tear apart a life that has a purpose….God created you wonderful and He has a plan for you!
I drove home from a friend’s house last night with my answers to these questions.
1. Yes! Take risk…that is living life! But…no matter what the outcome you have to stand on this truth: YOU ARE A STRONG CONFIDENT CHILD OF GOD!
Second of all: I believe in a relationship you must always be open and honest with the one you love…if they love you back it will always work out.
Lastly, never stop dreaming, but just do it with your feet firmly planted on the solid rock of Christ and seek after His will first.
Relationships (whether friends/dating/marriage) can be messy, but they can also be truly amazing. Enjoy each moment.
A quote from One Tree Hills that stuck with me during that marathon was this:
“Happiness comes in many forms. In the company of good friends. In the feeling you get from making someone’s dreams come true. Or when the promise of hope renewed.”
Be joyful and hopeful. God is good and He has it all under control!
YOUR TURN…PLEASE SHARE!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Another Weekend...
I am still reading through eat pray love by Elizabeth Gilbert, wishing I had more time to just sit and read all the way through it, I love to read and don’t like having to keep picking up a book for only ten minutes here and there, I just want to finish it and enjoy it. Although this book has so much to offer in just ten minutes of reading, I guess it is not too bad to read it this way.
Anyways, I was just reading about her trip to Venice for the weekend. She was writing about a friend of hers coming to meet her in the most romantic city on earth, “I could just picture myself all alone, in the butt end of a gondola, getting dragged through the mist by a crooning gondolier as I…read in a magazine? It’s a sad image, rather like the idea of humping up a hill all by yourself on a bicycle-built-for-two.” I love her vivid, fun depiction of things; this book is easily enjoyable. But… ahhh Venice…I dream of being in Venice (in all of Italy) just about as often as I dream about being in the strong arms of Mr. Right. Well, I just down right dream of being in Venice with that man…someday, yes someday!
Right now…I just have another lonely weekend here in Greenville, NC to look forward to.
I am very much trying to find the positive in things…I have been writing about mindsets and making a choice to think of things in a positive way, and to accept God’s peace, and to let go of all anxieties…so…I thought let me list some fun, positive things I can do/enjoy about this lonely weekend:
1. I can go to the beach…and I can admire ALL that the beach has to offer without cold glares from a mate….if ya get what I mean…if not here let me just say it…sexy, shirtless, tan men walking by just for my viewing pleasure. Oh…sorry…I meant I can enjoy the peace and quiet of digging my bare feet in the sand, and watch the sun display a bold variety of pastels as it sets over the horizon of the vast ocean waters.
2. I can go shopping and buy all the flip flops I want without anyone talking to me about a budget and bills.
3. I can go to Olive Garden and order all the carbs I want without someone telling me to watch my weight!
4. I can have a chick flick marathon and cry if I want to without the criticism of a man.
5. Hmmm…OK…I really need to be able to come up with more than four before pausing and wishing I had someone to walk hand-n-hand with at the beach, to cuddle with when I cry over the dramatic scenes, or to lay wrapped in each other’s arms at night and talk about someday going to Italy….hmmmm….
6. I can actually finish this book I am reading.
7. I can sit and watch the food network channel all weekend, which only makes me hungry and want to pig out on whatever I can find in the kitchen that does not even compare to the delicacies being prepared before me on the screen.
8. Then I can just dance off all I ate with wild random dancing since there is no one around to judge me…lol.
9. Gotta at least get to ten here….although technically I am only on eight here because number five doesn’t count…but whose counting…unless you are bored and lonely like me while you are reading this….lol. I can have a rock show as I strengthen my talents at guitar hero and do endless encores.
10. I can go see Toy Story 3 in hopes that the new Ken doll takes his shirt of….oh wait….I have been seeing way too much of a shirtless, sculpted Jacob Black…LOL.
Yeah…good times for me this weekend
Seriously….the point is: I am not alone…I am independent. I can still enjoy life abundantly, and focus on all that God want for me in my life. I can still walk around with my head held high and a smile on my face. I do not need a man. I would like to have one, but I do not need a man. God is my completion; my all in all….with Him I have strength to face anything…even another lonely weekend.
Anyways, I was just reading about her trip to Venice for the weekend. She was writing about a friend of hers coming to meet her in the most romantic city on earth, “I could just picture myself all alone, in the butt end of a gondola, getting dragged through the mist by a crooning gondolier as I…read in a magazine? It’s a sad image, rather like the idea of humping up a hill all by yourself on a bicycle-built-for-two.” I love her vivid, fun depiction of things; this book is easily enjoyable. But… ahhh Venice…I dream of being in Venice (in all of Italy) just about as often as I dream about being in the strong arms of Mr. Right. Well, I just down right dream of being in Venice with that man…someday, yes someday!
Right now…I just have another lonely weekend here in Greenville, NC to look forward to.
I am very much trying to find the positive in things…I have been writing about mindsets and making a choice to think of things in a positive way, and to accept God’s peace, and to let go of all anxieties…so…I thought let me list some fun, positive things I can do/enjoy about this lonely weekend:
1. I can go to the beach…and I can admire ALL that the beach has to offer without cold glares from a mate….if ya get what I mean…if not here let me just say it…sexy, shirtless, tan men walking by just for my viewing pleasure. Oh…sorry…I meant I can enjoy the peace and quiet of digging my bare feet in the sand, and watch the sun display a bold variety of pastels as it sets over the horizon of the vast ocean waters.
2. I can go shopping and buy all the flip flops I want without anyone talking to me about a budget and bills.
3. I can go to Olive Garden and order all the carbs I want without someone telling me to watch my weight!
4. I can have a chick flick marathon and cry if I want to without the criticism of a man.
5. Hmmm…OK…I really need to be able to come up with more than four before pausing and wishing I had someone to walk hand-n-hand with at the beach, to cuddle with when I cry over the dramatic scenes, or to lay wrapped in each other’s arms at night and talk about someday going to Italy….hmmmm….
6. I can actually finish this book I am reading.
7. I can sit and watch the food network channel all weekend, which only makes me hungry and want to pig out on whatever I can find in the kitchen that does not even compare to the delicacies being prepared before me on the screen.
8. Then I can just dance off all I ate with wild random dancing since there is no one around to judge me…lol.
9. Gotta at least get to ten here….although technically I am only on eight here because number five doesn’t count…but whose counting…unless you are bored and lonely like me while you are reading this….lol. I can have a rock show as I strengthen my talents at guitar hero and do endless encores.
10. I can go see Toy Story 3 in hopes that the new Ken doll takes his shirt of….oh wait….I have been seeing way too much of a shirtless, sculpted Jacob Black…LOL.
Yeah…good times for me this weekend
Seriously….the point is: I am not alone…I am independent. I can still enjoy life abundantly, and focus on all that God want for me in my life. I can still walk around with my head held high and a smile on my face. I do not need a man. I would like to have one, but I do not need a man. God is my completion; my all in all….with Him I have strength to face anything…even another lonely weekend.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Prince Charming & Pop Cans
Now...first of all let me clear something up for my southern friends, pop is what YA'LL call SODA. LOL.
Now I was thinking...scary I know...and it is even scarier when I am home alone with no boys and nothing to do...my mind really goes crazy in the silence. LOL.
I was thinking about what it would actually be like to be married again. My mind constantly is in fairy-tale mode I think, and today I am beginning to worry what will it be like when things get changed to the the reality T.V. show channel?
Will it be all romance, and fire, and sweeping me off my feet? No..it will probably be a lot of sweeping that is for sure...sweeping up after a man's mess...that is not what I have in mind for a marriage...lol.
No, really...I am worried about meeting someone at this age; see I think when you get married young you have all that time to learn and grow together...see I am afraid because I know more about what I want now, and what I don't want, and I won't be able to find that.
Will prince charming come along, marry me, and then start leaving pop cans all over the house...that would seriously annoy me. I mean, I am in my thirties so he should be a grown man...well unless I do the cougar thing and marry Taylor Lautner or Zac Efron...OH YEAH! But, anyways...where was I? Sorry...got a little sidetracked on those thoughts for a minute...yes. Seriously, you're a grown man, pick up the pop cans already...is what I'd be sayin'. Now, see I don't have too many annoying things that anyone has to worry about...ha ha ha....except for the humming. I love to hum (and sing a lot) but I, according to my wonderful friends that I play Cranium with...I cannot hum very well...so I guess someone would just have to deal with that...I do make a lot of noises...and NO my lovely friends and family who know me well, this is not where you insert your comments!
In all seriousness...I am just worried about meeting someone and coming together and working through differences at my age in life...
And, my single friends and I talk about this a lot...I don't want to settle...I mean I settled the first time... the only thing my ex-husband had on my list of requirements for a husband was--a heartbeat. He was not a christian...I learned the hard way what I already knew and somehow thought would change...NEVER MARRY SOMEONE WITHOUT THE SAME FAITH AS YOU!! But I know what I want now. And what I deserve. I want a man of God. A man who loves God and has a personal relationship with Jesus. And a man that will love my boys like his own. Those two things I will not settle on. Now...a man that can sing and play guitar, and who will take me to Italy; that would be a major make me happy bonus!
I just have all these fears about meeting someone and marriage. Will I fall too fast for the wrong one out of loneliness and desperation? I guess you could read my list of "You Know You're Lonely If:" and you may see you need to pray with me on that one...lol...
What will it be like with him and my boys? How will I feel when he disciplines them?
Will he lay awake with me late and talk and laugh and enjoy our quiet time together like I want?
Will it feel amazing in his arms like I have been longing for?
Will we be able to get through bad days at work?
God, please, please will the sex be amazing? Sorry...had to throw that in there...
Will he make me laugh a lot? I love to laugh and so do my boys and I want laughter to always fill our home.
Will we really be happy? The sad reality is that I see far too many marriages that are being destroyed by the Devil daily and I am tired of it!! That is one thing that I do often when I get really lonely....I take all my emotions and turn it to good and pray for the marriages of those I love to be restored to a marriage the way God intended!! I am believing in Jesus name for love, passion, joy, and peace to be restored in all the marriages of those I know! For laughter and passion to be in the eyes of each spouse as they look lovingly into the eyes of their mate. For communication to always be open and honest and positive...even in hard times, may they always uplift and encourage each other! And of course...may the passion always be hot! Marriage was created by God an may God be in the center of all marriages again.
Guess I have a lot on my mind....
But as I was pondering upon all the what-if's of what it will be like...the verse that I have at the top of this blog came to mind. "BE ANXIOUS FOR NOTHING......AND THE PEACE OF GOD WILL GUARD YOUR HEART AND MIND IN CHRIST JESUS"
Amen and thank you God because I know bottom line...in spite of my pop can prince charming fears....it will all be amazing if I wait on You and all you have for me.
And...I believe it is actually a great thing that I do know what I want. Knowing that will help me not to settle this time. Also having the confidence that God has been establishing in my life over these last six years will allow me not only to look for all God has to offer, but to actually accept it and know that I am His child and worthy of His abundant blessings. God is good. His Prince Charming will be far more than my over-active mind could ever imagine...and we will live happily ever after.
Now I was thinking...scary I know...and it is even scarier when I am home alone with no boys and nothing to do...my mind really goes crazy in the silence. LOL.
I was thinking about what it would actually be like to be married again. My mind constantly is in fairy-tale mode I think, and today I am beginning to worry what will it be like when things get changed to the the reality T.V. show channel?
Will it be all romance, and fire, and sweeping me off my feet? No..it will probably be a lot of sweeping that is for sure...sweeping up after a man's mess...that is not what I have in mind for a marriage...lol.
No, really...I am worried about meeting someone at this age; see I think when you get married young you have all that time to learn and grow together...see I am afraid because I know more about what I want now, and what I don't want, and I won't be able to find that.
Will prince charming come along, marry me, and then start leaving pop cans all over the house...that would seriously annoy me. I mean, I am in my thirties so he should be a grown man...well unless I do the cougar thing and marry Taylor Lautner or Zac Efron...OH YEAH! But, anyways...where was I? Sorry...got a little sidetracked on those thoughts for a minute...yes. Seriously, you're a grown man, pick up the pop cans already...is what I'd be sayin'. Now, see I don't have too many annoying things that anyone has to worry about...ha ha ha....except for the humming. I love to hum (and sing a lot) but I, according to my wonderful friends that I play Cranium with...I cannot hum very well...so I guess someone would just have to deal with that...I do make a lot of noises...and NO my lovely friends and family who know me well, this is not where you insert your comments!
In all seriousness...I am just worried about meeting someone and coming together and working through differences at my age in life...
And, my single friends and I talk about this a lot...I don't want to settle...I mean I settled the first time... the only thing my ex-husband had on my list of requirements for a husband was--a heartbeat. He was not a christian...I learned the hard way what I already knew and somehow thought would change...NEVER MARRY SOMEONE WITHOUT THE SAME FAITH AS YOU!! But I know what I want now. And what I deserve. I want a man of God. A man who loves God and has a personal relationship with Jesus. And a man that will love my boys like his own. Those two things I will not settle on. Now...a man that can sing and play guitar, and who will take me to Italy; that would be a major make me happy bonus!
I just have all these fears about meeting someone and marriage. Will I fall too fast for the wrong one out of loneliness and desperation? I guess you could read my list of "You Know You're Lonely If:" and you may see you need to pray with me on that one...lol...
What will it be like with him and my boys? How will I feel when he disciplines them?
Will he lay awake with me late and talk and laugh and enjoy our quiet time together like I want?
Will it feel amazing in his arms like I have been longing for?
Will we be able to get through bad days at work?
God, please, please will the sex be amazing? Sorry...had to throw that in there...
Will he make me laugh a lot? I love to laugh and so do my boys and I want laughter to always fill our home.
Will we really be happy? The sad reality is that I see far too many marriages that are being destroyed by the Devil daily and I am tired of it!! That is one thing that I do often when I get really lonely....I take all my emotions and turn it to good and pray for the marriages of those I love to be restored to a marriage the way God intended!! I am believing in Jesus name for love, passion, joy, and peace to be restored in all the marriages of those I know! For laughter and passion to be in the eyes of each spouse as they look lovingly into the eyes of their mate. For communication to always be open and honest and positive...even in hard times, may they always uplift and encourage each other! And of course...may the passion always be hot! Marriage was created by God an may God be in the center of all marriages again.
Guess I have a lot on my mind....
But as I was pondering upon all the what-if's of what it will be like...the verse that I have at the top of this blog came to mind. "BE ANXIOUS FOR NOTHING......AND THE PEACE OF GOD WILL GUARD YOUR HEART AND MIND IN CHRIST JESUS"
Amen and thank you God because I know bottom line...in spite of my pop can prince charming fears....it will all be amazing if I wait on You and all you have for me.
And...I believe it is actually a great thing that I do know what I want. Knowing that will help me not to settle this time. Also having the confidence that God has been establishing in my life over these last six years will allow me not only to look for all God has to offer, but to actually accept it and know that I am His child and worthy of His abundant blessings. God is good. His Prince Charming will be far more than my over-active mind could ever imagine...and we will live happily ever after.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)