Song on Replay

LIFEHOUSE LYRICS


"Broken"

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

This is another one of those very personal moments that I am very much debating over whether or not I will even post it. If you have ever battled with the pains of insecurity and/or loneliness…you know the emotional effects and the intensity of their power; the forceful grip that can hold onto to your life be extremely straining and dangerous.

I thought I have become victorious over the long years of dealing with head on full force battles, fights to the death, of self-loathing hatred...of feelings of complete unworthiness…but apparently they have missed me and have not had enough of reeking havoc on my life because they came back, and left their ugly mark once again on my heart this lonely weekend. They must have known I have already been dealing with so much: major decisions about jobs/moving, hurting over wanting to give more to my boys wishing I had more to offer them, and so many other things on my mind...so they planned their attack, and came at just the right moment to abruptly knock me off my feet yet again.

It was amazing though...I was in a really great mood when they did it. I was in a moment of confidence, I was feeling very sexy/beautiful and alive and full of joy and ready to live life to the extreme. I had just gotten back from the beach (I believe the beach gives you those empowering emotions from the greatest of its authoritative presence), and I got all dressed up and was ready to get goin’. But where was I to go, and the better question: with whom should I go with? Oh wait…no one, I’m all alone...

Insecurity and loneliness can be a black hole that consumes me.

In a matter of moments I went from being on top of the world to being sucked into a pit of hellish darkness.

So I took two Benadryll, and escaped to the darkness in my lonely bed...surround by tear-filled tissues, and listening to the above song on my ipod...I let it all go.

"Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." Psalm 29:5

This morning I am reminded, I am not alone...I have a Savior and friend called Jesus.

And He has put the joy back in my life, yet again...He has filled me with peace and comfort, yet again...He has restored my confidence, yet again...He has put the fight back in my punch, yet again. That's right...I am a fighter and God's got my back! And together we are victorious! My BBFF (we added the extra B because of the whole blonde/brunette rivalry thing we have goin' so she is my brunette best friend forever) anyways, my BBFF reminded me of this the other day, she knows I love competition and love to win; with God on my side we win every time and always against the devil and his schemes he uses to try to trip us off our feet. Well, sorry little guy...not this time...not ever...I WIN!!! YOU LOSE!

I also want to personally thank my amazing friend Tammy who always supports me and I really needed those words of encouragement this morning and your clear head with great advice. Thank you. I am so blessed with such great friends in my life...not only am I never alone because God is always with me, but also He has placed these people in my life that always make me smile, we share great laughs, and always encourage me, they are there ready to wipe my tears whenever I need them, and they never leave me in the pit! Thank you.

I was just very much feeling confused about life and my purpose lately...focusing on the negative and the lack of things that I want not being fulfilled in my life (as you know if you have been reading my blogs lately). I am a person who very much needs change (which is why I rearrange a lot) and things going fast paced, and of course I very much need people. So I have been getting down about how nothing has changed in my life these last 7 years, concerning job/career/getting a date for crying out loud/house/ect. But I have forgotten that the most amazing changes are what is happening inside of me...and I do have a purpose! God has and will continue to use me! I am thankful to the Lord who lifts me up in my darkest hour.

God is daily forming me into His likeness, and I am handing over the clay. You do it God...and do it Your way! And thank you Lord for picking me back up from my fall last night. Thank you for your abundant grace. Thank you for redirecting my focus back to you, Lord. You are my everything, Jesus, and I worship you. I praise Your holy name, Jesus!

And Lord I pray with all my heart, I plead with you, Lord...for those who read this and can relate, for those who bear the scars of the fight against insecurity, for those who weep at Your feet in desperate moments, for those who lay alone in their bed begging to be loved, for those who hurt from broken love, for all Your children Lord...BE WITH THEM RIGHT NOW! Allow them to KNOW YOU ARE THERE...comfort them, raise them up and build them up in their most holy faith! If it is answers they are seeking- remind them that YOU ARE THE ANSWER! YOU ARE ALL WE NEED, LORD! Then, all else falls into place. For those feeling unloved- YOU LOVE THEM! For those hurting- YOU ARE THE HEALER! Be with Your children who are crying out in their moment of deep despair. Use me Lord, to reach out to others, to always uplift and encourage Your children, to always, no matter what I am going through, to always point others in Your direction by my words and actions, Lord. In Jesus name.

I have been reading throug the book of Psalm lately...I love these crys from the heart; even David, a great man of God, had moments of crying out in desperation. I encourage you to read Psalm 18. Know that God is there and He will wipe your tears, fill you with strength, peace, and joy. You are His child and He created you with a purpose. Live for Him and give Him your all!